bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
