ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
