I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
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