I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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