we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
