Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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