Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
