My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
