new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Randomize
