I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
