He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
what day is it and did you see me today?
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Randomize
