Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
