I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
