apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
