I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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