my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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