He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
