Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
