My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
