I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Randomize
