Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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