two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize