I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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