I murdered the dance floor call the cops
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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