we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
