Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
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