East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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