Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
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