he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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