; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
