the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Randomize
