Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
