I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
