new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
