I skipped work to stalk him.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
