I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Randomize
