Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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