I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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