but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
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