Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
