now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I met the friendliest cop last night
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
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