I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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