Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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