saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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