Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
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