Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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