Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
