i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
