if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Swine flu. Run for my life!
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
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