Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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