im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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