I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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