just tell him i said nine months
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Randomize
