Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
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