My girlfriend figured out who you are.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
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