I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Randomize
