Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
