i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
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