i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
