Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Randomize
