Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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