so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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