How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
