'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Randomize
