made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
