I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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