I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
