A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
3pm strippers are depressing
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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